Caught In A Web Of Fear

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I am caught in a web, a web of deception and lies, a web of fear.  It whispers constantly in my ears; no, can’t, don’t. Danger is everywhere. I lay in it’s web, paralyzed by the anxiety fear has wrought. I know fear lies; yet I still lay motionless as it creeps closer, ready to spin me ever tighter in its never-ending cycle. I am it’s prey, helplessly stuck, just waiting for it to feast upon me.

One Less Birdsong

The grey and yellow little bird lay dead, cradled in the grass. It’s song forever silenced.  Tears welled as I removed the delicate creature fallen from flight. I’ve thought about the bird all day with a feeling of heaviness in my heart, as I do for all creatures of the universe.  Perhaps finding this lifeless bird signifies an end and a new beginning of something for me.

If it’s death was to portend for me then I am grateful for it’s sacrifice, but tomorrow when I listen to the birdsongs I will know there is one less song being sung.

 

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Garage Sale

I walk the tight isles haphazardly set up in the oversized garage. So much is packed into the space it’s impossible to focus my eyes on any one thing. My wife was a collector, he says. She passed away recently. We chat as I try not to stumble while navigating the maze of tables and shelves. He lost his wife nearly a year ago. They were married 58 years. She had a lot of collections as well as multiple examples of household items. The years of her life on display.  Her life’s work up for sale.

I understand there is pleasure in collecting. Satisfaction from the hunt for a missing piece or special memento. I collected things for a while myself. Until things began to lose their meaning and the act of collecting became a distraction and a way to escape from reality.

When my reality crashed, I let them go, save for a few items that held special meaning in my life or were an item of remembrance from a loved one. After the purge I felt lighter, less tied to things, and more open to the richness of nature and people. Now I collect birds in song, butterflies in flight, and clouds in the sky. I treasure the people in my life, the new ones I meet and the stranger in the street. The Passing glances, smiles, a chance encounter, or a brief interaction.

Everyone should have something special in their lives that remind them of happy times or special loved ones. If you collect something that is meaningful to you, treasure it, revel in the joy it brings you, and perhaps pass it on.

In acknowledging the impermanence of life I strive to travel lightly. I do my best to appreciate what the universe puts in my path to see, feel, and experience. Those things you won’t find at a garage sale, which is fine by me, because I don’t want to end up a garage sale.

Realities and Dreams

 

Version 2

Can’t manage a job
but I still have my will
I have no money
won’t swallow the pill

beaten down and hurting
I have nothing to hide
working hard each day
I still have my pride

need a helping hand
a dollar in my hat
just wanting for godspeed
the wind at my back

no shame in needing
I still have my dreams
even if they’re fraying
I’ll hold them by their seems

The Normal People

I watch them each morning, going about their business rushing to and from, on the treadmill of life. A woman walks her dog as the sun rises. A man drops off
his daughter on his way to work. Still another returns, perhaps he worked the night shift.

I hear their cars starting one by one as their day begins; off to work, school, or any one of the myriad of places people go each day; seemingly with little effort.

I call them the normal people. I was once one of them; going about my daily activities effortlessly. Now I watch, looking upon them with a combination of envy, sadness, and longing. I feel sad from the loss of functionality that has been taken from me, I envy them doing with ease what to me is now a struggle, and I long, oh how I long, to be one of them once more.

I wonder what their stories are; how different might they be from mine. Maybe they aren’t so different; maybe it takes them extra effort too, maybe they are in pain, lost, or sad.

Ultimately I wonder if perhaps, just out of my sight, there sits someone else watching. Perhaps they too sit and watch the normal people, hoping that they could be one of them.

Raw and Exposed

 

The protective earthen cover has eroded and laid these roots bare, raw, and exposed to the elements.  I randomly went to this little pocket park to get away for some alone time to reflect, cry, and release the emotions that had sent my anxiety skyrocketing.

As I walked among the trees absorbing the healing vibrations of the earth, air, sun, and plant life,  it became clear that what lay before me were my feelings made manifest in nature. The universe in her wisdom gave me a visual aide with which to equate my feelings.

I wonder if the bare roots adapt and continue to keep the tree alive, and if so for how long?  I wonder the same thing of myself sometimes; do I have the strength within to regain what has been laid bare or lost?    I haven’t the answer to either question but can’t help thinking that maybe the questions have already been answered.

I Will Cook A Turkey Today

I will cook a turkey today
through a tear I’ll remember
the way my mother taught me how
maybe I’ll smile with memories of times past

I will cook a turkey today
given to me by the kindness of strangers
I but one of the masses in the line of those in need
yet still, I am one with more than many

I will cook a turkey today
remembering those with whom I stood side by side
I’ll remember too those who have so little
they are unable to stand in line

I will cook a turkey today
in search of normalcy and comfort
to uphold tradition
to connect me with family and friends,  gone or afar

I will cook a turkey today
and look beyond my own problems
grateful for all the universe has provided me
yet grieving for those suffering around the globe

I will cook a turkey today
when there are those who haven’t a turkey
or a home, a country, freedom, or equal rights
those whose plight is unimaginable to me

I will cook a turkey today
and I will express my gratitude for what is near and dear to me
but my heart will swell and ache for humanity
and I will wonder why I cook a turkey today