I Will Persist In Order To Resist

This country and indeed the world is a horrible place filled with hatred, inequality, misogyny, homophobia, islamophobia, and antisemitic behaviors, just to name a few.

Intolerance rules from the top down and lends justification to those who harbor thoughts to act upon them. It’s a sick and cruel world full of unprovoked shootings and mass carnage with no regard for human or animal life.

The toxicity of this time makes those of us already struggling with anxiety disorders and depression struggle all the more. And it has swelled our ranks with new sufferers at a time when privileged, uncaring, self serving, loathsome government officials want to strip away healthcare. They are causing the need for more but are to selfish, beholden, and blind to see that fact.

America, the self proclaimed bastion of justice and democracy leads the way in this new world order of intolerance, violence and hatred. We are where they want us; splintered, divided and fighting among ourselves. Slowly, democracy, if it ever truly existed, is fading.

For my own well-being I’ve vowed to not engage any longer in negativity. I keep informed and at times it’s a struggle to not virtually engage in the discourse, but it does nothing but cause me more turmoil.

I can only lend my voice to love, harmony, inclusiveness and peace. It is what I must do to survive, heal and thrive. It is what I must do to prepare myself for the bigger fights yet to come, for they loom closer on the horizon each day. When they do come we will all have to choose on which side we stand; love or hate, right or wrong. It is now, and will remain that simple.

Love, light & peace…..always

“caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde

Letting Go

What do you do when you can’t let go of toxic emotions, fear, and endless swirling negative thoughts? What do you do when you can’t let go of pain, from all sources, that keeps you in an endless loop of heartache and misery?

Seriously, I would like to know the secret of truly and fully letting go of something.  I am not sure I ever have completely let go of anything.  This clinging is what has compounded over the years to produce my current state of ill health.

I still suffer from the illnesses I’ve talked about in my posts, which in this post shall be referred to only as the illnesses.  I’m not attempting to take anything away from their cause and effects, rather, I am linking them to a root or major contributing factor in their development.

I came to the realization that in some way they are all rooted in my inability to let go.  To let go of fear, grief, and pain is something I strive to do everyday, with every therapy session and with every thing I read or listen to.  Try as I might it doesn’t seem to be enough.  My intellectual self is aware of the impermanence of life and I try constantly to be present in the moment.  I think I’ve made great strides in that regard.  Yet, I find I cling to the past as a person clings to the edge of a building, afraid to fall.

This clinging to the past, to my grief and to my pain feeds the fear.  I am afraid to fall.  I fear what is around the next corner, my next step, tomorrow and the days beyond.

If I am being honest with myself, my personality is heavily slanted to these behaviors.  I am stubborn, persistent, relentlessly curious, and obsessed with finding answers.   In many ways throughout my life these qualities have served me well professionally and personally.  What once helped propel me through life is now taking my life away,

I can’t change my personality so what I am looking for is a way to adapt my personality traits, how I utilize them, and how I emotionally react to them to better serve the current situation and the person I am now.

I’m participating in a new therapy approach that I believe is guiding me on a path that will enable me to better let go of things.  I’ll have more on my experiences with EMDR in my next post.

Love, light & peace….always