Depression has walked with me for so many years that sometimes I forget we spend so much time together. We’ve been together so long I can’t remember the date we first met. It’s been at least 25 years. We became aquatinted gradually and our relationship evolved into quiet acceptance. We always managed well with medications, even if those medications came and went with increasing regularity.
It’s during times of exacerbation that depression creeps up and reminds me that we’ve never really been apart. Over the years life has thrown me many curveballs and the last four years have been the most challenging of my life. During this time I’ve suffered multiple losses, trauma, the resurgence of anxiety, and the diagnoses of PTSD, and panic disorder.
These conditions are not only at the forefront of my impairment but they present symptoms that often overlap and loop together. Like the chicken and the egg story, it is sometimes hard to know what condition causes what symptom or if one precipitates another.
The final blow to whatever nerves, resolve, energy, and strength I had left within me after walking for so long with these demons and dealing with life’s punches, was the death of my mother last year. Her death affected me profoundly. I somehow held myself together just long enough to see her final wishes fulfilled then I shut down.
Grief turned to depression which included an amplification of anxiety and frequent panic attacks, which I’ve not had in decades. The culmination of all these things left me incapacitated, unable to work, socialize, or leave the house. It’s from this deep pit that I’ve been attempting to climb out for the past 12-15 months. Sometimes I climb up only to fall back down but I keep getting up again.
It’s hard for me to accept that I may never be the same again. I may never be able to handle the stresses of the job I once loved. I continue to work on my self and hope that I can reclaim my life, if not exactly how it used to be, then something acceptably close.
Its been about two weeks since my very last TMS session. I had my doubts when the doctors told me I might feel improvements after the treatments ceased, but I think I have felt some additional improvements. It’s still inconsistent, and maybe it will stay that way, but It’s something to latch on to. On better days I try to make the most of the good feelings and accomplish CBT tasks and take pleasure where I can find it, whether its a walk admiring nature, spending time with my partner, music, or working on this blog.
i suspect I will re-visit my TMS impressions in a later blog. It isn’t easy for me to describe my feelings, emotions, and the nuances of my conditions but I hope I was able to convey something that might be informative or of use to someone considering the treatment.